Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Mommy, what was a man?

mom

Mommy, some of the girls at the academy said there used to be something called a man?

A man? What are they teaching at the academy nowadays?

Is it true, Mommy?

Well yes, it is true.

What happened to them?

Well dear, you see men were very mean to mommies. They never did things that mommies wanted to do, just things that men wanted to do.

What did men want to do?

Men just wanted to drink alcohol with their friends, and watch games.

What games?  Like volleyball and softball?

No games that used to be called football.  Violent, mean games.

Ewww.  I don’t like men.

Don’t be scared Penny, why there hasn’t been a man for 10,000 years.

What happened to all the men, Mommy?

We won’t talk about such things, now get back to your homework.

God I wish my parents had beat me.

mad

Parents need to start hitting their kids. Every time when I’m at the grocery store and I see some little Epsilon spawn stuffing Little Debbie snack cakes into his vacant face, I think, This is the future, this is the end of life as we know it.   As disturbing as the lower caste are, the Betas, Gammas, and Deltas who shop at Whole Foods are even more frightening.   Their descendants, who go to Montessori and Waldorf schools, a new generation of the New Age.  What will these offspring be like when they are 18, in 2025.  What will they think of us, the elderly?  Will we be provided for?  Will they have any respect for us?

Is the Apocalypse happening?  It’s happening right now, all around us.

What of celebrities’ kids?  What of the Alphas?  They are constantly followed by a horde of paparazzi, and around the age of two something amazing happens, they become conscience and they start posing.  How could they not, their just copying their parents, in their stepford lives.  They start pouting their lips, they start narrowing their eyes, they start trying to be cool.  Will any of these ever know anything real?  Or will they just live in their ivory towers and study evil.  The ivory towers of the science fiction past.  In 2009 we live in the future, the future is behind us.  the end times are a thing of the past.  The mouth breathing epsilon tosses the plastic wrapper to the grocery store floor and opens another..

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Get Out Old Dan’s Records

Old Dan

Old Dan?

Yeah, he’s got all those great old records in the attic.

Oh Yeah there they are, wow… look at all these, lets go put ’em on.  Elvis, The Rolling Stones, Beatles, these are some great classic records.

Wow, Peter Paul and Mary, let’s put this one on!

I don’t know it looks kinda scratched up… half of these aren’t even in sleeves.  Look this one’s eaten up by rats.

Well Old Dan never did take good care of his records, and he was always drunk when he listened to them.

Oh man was he ever… good times…

Yeah, good times, that Old Dan, he was a real character…

Man heres another… too bad, it would have been worth alot of money…

Let me take a look.  Oh yeah this one’s scratched pretty bad, hold on a second, this isn’t Old Dan’s, this is my record.

Old Dan's Records

Are you sure?

Yeah I remember I loaned this to Old Dan years ago and forgot about it, man I loved this record, I thought I lost it, and Old Dan said he’d returned it to me, jeez!

Oh well, that’s Old Dan…

No way man, this is bullshit, I always took such good care of my records, I think it’s because of Old Dan I stopped loaning out my records in the first place.

Yeah you always were pretty weird about loaning out records.

No fucking way, here’s another one of my records,  I never even loaned him this one, he must have just stolen it form me, what the fuck?

Are you sure?

Yeah, look theres my name on the jacket, I mean come to think of it I never really did know Old Dan very well, everybody always talked about how great he was but nobody really went to his funeral…

Hey don’t talk about the dead like that.

Oh man I can’t believe this, heres another one!!  For fuck’s sake are half these records mine!?  Man, fuck that old drunk!   Lets just get out of here, I didn’t want to listen to Old Dan’s shitty records anyway.

Old Dan's Coffin

When is the Apocalypse going to happen already?

apoco

Ready for the Apocalypse

Alright I got my 10 year supply of freeze dried food, I got my guns, I got ammo, I got night vision goggles, I got a shortwave radio, I’ve got a seed bank, I just finished the bunker, got the windmill and solar energy.  Alright I’m ready to go – lets get this apocalypse up and running already.

Seriously I just spent a shitload of money on this new water filtration system and if the world doesn’t end real fucking soon I’m going to look like a total jackass, so whenever your ready apocalypse… ’cause I got the feeling everyone is starting to laugh at me behind my back.

Hey if anybody needs me I’ll be in the bunker trying to figure out this bullet reloader, I mean this little number is going to be a goldmine in the post apocalyptic barter economy.

Shortwave Radio

Hey Honey!  When you get around to it can you give me a mohawk and spraypaint those shoulder pads I’ve been asking you about black, yeah I can’t put the metal studs on until you spraypaint them…thanks Love.

Whats that Love?   Why did I buy a used school bus… well where else am I going to store the barrels of gasoline?

Apocalyptic Gun Stash

Bobby, what are you doing down here?  Shouldn’t you be in the yard practicing with your boomerang?  Whats that, why do you have to learn boomerang?   Young man what are you gonna do if you get seperated from your food cache?   You can’t use a gun, every cannibal gang for 10 miles will hear it!  Well I don’t care if the Mortenson boys don’t have to use boomerangs!  I am your father this is my bunker and I make the rules in here!  Look!  Ned Mortenson is a fucking idiot and his family won’t last a week after the shit goes down!  Now any more lip out of you mister and theres going to be an extra session of bible study tonight.

Jeez, I tell you what, if this apocalypse doesn’t happen soon there’s going to be a mutiny in the old Anderson household.

Monsters of Folk Review 1-1/2 STARS

mof

Monsters of Folk

Let me start by saying I think all these guys suck. I mean I can’t stand to look at their smug prick faces, it just incites rage in me!  Hey everybody look at me I’m Conor Oberst!  I’m so fucking cool I’m a millionaire and selling out festivals and huge clubs and think I’m better than everyone cause I’m in PETA.

Look… I would like nothing better than to see the Monsters of Folk EAT SHIT AND DIE.   I mean seriously?  What the fuck do I care?

Fuck, how come all the magazines and clubs like these guys instead of my band?  C’MON!!

Let me also say I’ve never listened to this album, and I will never listen to it.  I don’t think I could, I think it would actually make me vomit… I really, really do… I mean I am seriously about to fucking lose it here!

Every time I read an article these fucking guys are talking about animal rights!  Seriously?! Fucking ANIMAL RIGHTS??!!  Seriously, like, fucking animal rights.  SERIOUSLY ANIMAL FUCKING RIGHTS?!?   SERIOUSLY!?!

If I were to listen to this album I already know I would hate it.  I mean, I KNOW I would hate it, I mean I just know it would totally suck and make me sick.

I mean these guys suck really, really, really, really bad and I totally hate their guts.

1.5 Stars

ONE AND ONE-HALF STARS.

I’m just a Texan who was born in California

Texas Waffle

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think of Texas as a physical place that occupies a space in a certain time that no other object can occupy at the same time.  I think of Texas as a state of mind.

First let me just get this off my chest, I’m from California… and I love it here. I mean the live music, for one thing.  Seriously? …love it.

Another thing I really love about Texas is the pride all we Texans can have in it. From the lush swamplands of the east, to the desolate beauty of Big Bend Park, this state has it all. Where else do they make waffles in the shape of the state?  And I claim it all in the name of California.

I mean when my friends in California found out how cheap the property is out here, it was like over!  We just started buying it up…. seriously, like all of it!!

Look, I’ve lived here for nine years, don’t you tell me about Texas, I know Texas.

I moved to the Lonestar State in my mid-20s and theres just something about that old Red River hoss… that just gets in your blood.

God this state is so Awesome.

So on behalf of all Californians, thank you Texas, for your awesome state!