Posts Tagged ‘Commentary’

Mommy, what was a man?

mom

Mommy, some of the girls at the academy said there used to be something called a man?

A man? What are they teaching at the academy nowadays?

Is it true, Mommy?

Well yes, it is true.

What happened to them?

Well dear, you see men were very mean to mommies. They never did things that mommies wanted to do, just things that men wanted to do.

What did men want to do?

Men just wanted to drink alcohol with their friends, and watch games.

What games?  Like volleyball and softball?

No games that used to be called football.  Violent, mean games.

Ewww.  I don’t like men.

Don’t be scared Penny, why there hasn’t been a man for 10,000 years.

What happened to all the men, Mommy?

We won’t talk about such things, now get back to your homework.

God I wish my parents had beat me.

mad

Parents need to start hitting their kids. Every time when I’m at the grocery store and I see some little Epsilon spawn stuffing Little Debbie snack cakes into his vacant face, I think, This is the future, this is the end of life as we know it.   As disturbing as the lower caste are, the Betas, Gammas, and Deltas who shop at Whole Foods are even more frightening.   Their descendants, who go to Montessori and Waldorf schools, a new generation of the New Age.  What will these offspring be like when they are 18, in 2025.  What will they think of us, the elderly?  Will we be provided for?  Will they have any respect for us?

Is the Apocalypse happening?  It’s happening right now, all around us.

What of celebrities’ kids?  What of the Alphas?  They are constantly followed by a horde of paparazzi, and around the age of two something amazing happens, they become conscience and they start posing.  How could they not, their just copying their parents, in their stepford lives.  They start pouting their lips, they start narrowing their eyes, they start trying to be cool.  Will any of these ever know anything real?  Or will they just live in their ivory towers and study evil.  The ivory towers of the science fiction past.  In 2009 we live in the future, the future is behind us.  the end times are a thing of the past.  The mouth breathing epsilon tosses the plastic wrapper to the grocery store floor and opens another..

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Another Recycling Conspiracy

Something stinks in the city of Austin:

Imagine all the slim jims and hooch

According to The Statesman, in an article about the city’s recycling contract that is up, Austin has lost $2 million since the fall of 2008 due to the recycling contract it has with Greenstar.  If the contract is extended, the city will lose $7 million by September 2011.

Now, I can’t help but wonder what secret society is behind a scheme where a bum can turn in a bag of cans for some change, but the city can’t even break even by recycling on a large scale.

Who's behind this, any way?

Never mind that restaurants and bars in this city aren’t eligible to recycle the way that private citizens can.  If they choose to recycle, it’s because they have made arrangements with a company other than the sanitation department.  I guess their volume of cans and bottles means nothing compared to the pizza boxes I throw in my recycle bin.

The worst of it, from a “green” point of view, is that the main reason it costs the city so much to recycle is that it is all trucked down to San Antonio.  Not until they power the trucks with the dried cheese from aforementioned pizza box will it be worth the energy and time they are flushing down the toilet.

Crazy About Shoes

It puzzles men everywhere, the seemingly universal affection women have for a new pair of shoes.  Unarguably a trip to the shoe department is the surest way to coax a fantastic mood out of a woman.  Yes I do already own 4 pairs of black stilettos but that in no way precludes the need for another.  So what is the fascination?

For one, there are so many unique and colorful choices.  Shoes have become an art form and a pretty shoe can make even the ugliest woman feel more thoroughly put together.  High heels force a posture that is tall and confident and calculated.  The incline in the heel which throws women slightly off balance requires an effort on their part to restore balance in the way of taking each step in a careful manner.  It forces the female hips to sway seductively in order to progress sufficiently.  If you gain five pounds from the ice cream you promised yourself you weren’t going to succumb to, your shoes still fit perfectly.  There’s an evil little boost of confidence women gain from slipping on her most outrageous pair of red sling backs because we know that other women notice shoes, and we know when we have on the most enviable pair in the room.

No doubt I’ve made little progress in convincing any men here that women are in fact sane and rational creatures.  We may not be sane, but there is rationale to every decision we make.  The inputs that go into our tastes and preferences are collected and considered, though completely overlooked by men.  Women are accused of being shallow and emotional creatures, but I submit to you that anger is an emotion.  Now let’s re-tally the who’s more emotional poll.   Women have figured out how to process emotion and the outward residual is sometimes tears, sometimes laughter and sometimes, it’s a shiny patten leather pair of Mary Jane’s.   Don’t judge us, we know what we’ve got going on in our heads and in the end, what’s the price of a pair of shoes when it means a happy woman.

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It?

I Kissed A Girl

A moment of clarity came over me recently during an episode of Southpark. It was the Butters’ Bottom Bitch episode this season where Butters is revealed to have never kissed a girl and relentlessly teased about it until he finds a girl on the playground selling kisses for $5. At this point, Cartman, Kyle and Stan proceed to verbally teach Butters how to kiss saying, “When the girl sticks out her tongue, you just kind of lick it, with yours”.

I had to laugh because I think this might actually be the method of accepted instruction for dudes! I thought it was just bad luck that I loved the idea of kissing, but when put into practice, men are often awkward about it. It’s like an amateur wrestling match of the tongues and far too laborious to warrant long passionate kissing sessions.

Then one night, at a bar I was kissed by a really hot chick, completely caught off guard at the time.  I had to analyze it in retrospect because it’s the affliction I’ve suffered with since childhood, analyzing everything to death.  I enjoyed the kiss! Does that mean I’m a lesbian?  What does that say about me psychologically?

Slamming a Beer

What I’ve settled on is this: women are better kissers.  Women are innately more sensuous creatures while men are far more tactical and utilitarian.   Men just want to get to the good part and stops along the way are mentally timed in your heads wondering things like, “How long do I have to kiss her neck until I can grab her boob?” and “If I stop kissing her does that free up or obligate her mouth for and to do other things?”.

For women, kissing is like eating ice cream – just a little at a time and enjoying the taste, texture temperature, moisture of the whole process. For men it’s like beer – slam it quick so we can get to the main course. I don’t have any answers, it’s all just observation but while I could never muster the strength to be a lesbian, (props to you guys for doing it but I could never munch any carpet) I did kiss a girl, and I liked it.