Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

The Chronicle’s review of my album is total bullshit

Can you believe this shit?

I mean really, can you believe this?

They had the nerve to write that about me?  About my band?!

They just couldn’t handle the fact that we’re really good and people like us, so they have to try to sabotage our shit!

I mean the reviewers at that paper are a bunch of failed musicians… so, just because their bands sucked and nobody liked their music back in the ’80s, now they get to get their big pens out and shove them up real artists’ asses?  To think I gave those swine the pearl of a year’s work.   I don’t even think they know what a real fucking band is anymore at the Austin Chronicle!  I don’t think they would know a real fuckin’ band if it punched ’em in their big fat mouths!  Those Pretentious Fucks!!!

And I don’t even think they fucking listened to it!

Look!  Shelley King got three stars!  You mean to tell me my album gets two stars and Shelley King gets THREE?!  YOU’VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!!!!!

Two fucking stars.  Two motherfucking stars!!  Thats what I get after all I’ve done for this town?  It just doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t add up…  I mean my band totally kicks ass… unless… hold on… I know whats going on here… I know exactly whats going on here!  This is all just one big FUCKING CONSPIRACY!  Thats what it fucking is!!  It’s crystal clear to me now!!!  This is one huge fucking conspiracy against me by the fucking Illuminati!!!

I’m just a Texan who was born in California

Texas Waffle

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think of Texas as a physical place that occupies a space in a certain time that no other object can occupy at the same time.  I think of Texas as a state of mind.

First let me just get this off my chest, I’m from California… and I love it here. I mean the live music, for one thing.  Seriously? …love it.

Another thing I really love about Texas is the pride all we Texans can have in it. From the lush swamplands of the east, to the desolate beauty of Big Bend Park, this state has it all. Where else do they make waffles in the shape of the state?  And I claim it all in the name of California.

I mean when my friends in California found out how cheap the property is out here, it was like over!  We just started buying it up…. seriously, like all of it!!

Look, I’ve lived here for nine years, don’t you tell me about Texas, I know Texas.

I moved to the Lonestar State in my mid-20s and theres just something about that old Red River hoss… that just gets in your blood.

God this state is so Awesome.

So on behalf of all Californians, thank you Texas, for your awesome state!

I Used to Be in a Band

i used to be in a band

I used to be in a band

Did I used to be in a band? Yeah, don’t worry about it, I get it all the time.  Sometimes its hard to beleive it really happened, kinda seems like a dream y’know, but we were pretty popular back then… good times for sure… oh yeah, we got the rockstar treatment for sure, thought we’d be rich and famous.  Huh?  What happened?  I don’t know, people just get older, move on, just decided it was time to get while the getting was good.

Hey, you wanted this on wheat right?

No way!  You were there that time our bass player threw up on stage at Antone’s?  Boy oh boy those were the days.   You said light on the Veganaise right?

Nowadays?  Not much.  Just working here, y’know my old lady is the manager…  Just kinda getting back to my roots…  You want chips and a drink with that?  No?  Alright then, that’ll be $6.49.

Hey you should really come check out my new band, it’s me and alot of the guys from our old band… Oh yeah if you like that old shit you’ll love it, Hole in the Wall on Monday.  Yeah seriously man if you come I’ll put you on the guest list…