Archive for the ‘Commentary’ Category

Yo Nike, its Tiger…we need to talk

Watch where you're aiming that thing!

Look I’ve been hearing alot of shit lately about you, talkin shit about me, and I’m just here to say whats up, and if you got some beef with me why don’t we just settle this shit once and for all…

Look we’ve had our differences in the past but I don’t know, all this talk about you dropping on me, its just been fuckin with my head.

Look bro, what I’m sayin is, I’m about to declare war on your ass…and those bombs are about to start droppin…..can you hear em, those big old atom bombs droppin on yo ass? Well I can……

Look at my sad face

Chhh remember when we were kids man, when you were my sponsor…man that was so great, we were like best friends but…. oh hold on, thats too bad cause it never happened bro….yeah you heard me bro it never fuckin happened!! Yeah it never happened because you fucked it up…

Look, all I got to do is pick up this phone, one phone call from me and there’s gonna be people workin 24-7 erasing every memory of yo ass from the face of the earff. And soon its going to be out of my hands, shit soon there ain’t even going to be people anymore, its just gonna be like in the Matrix.

And all over some bitch bro, seriously, your gonna escalate this shit over some bitch bro? Not cool!!

Look Nike, just know if you do this, theres no goin back, you and me, we don’t exist anymore, there ain’t room for it….it is World War III for you if you do this to me…. And when its over dawg, its gonna be beautiful…we’re gonna go back and change all the logos on all my hats to my new brand, like every picture of me with a nike logo will be destroyed and anybody caught with one will be treated as a terrorirst.

Yeah motherfuckin Nike, how you like those existed than erased from history apples??!?
Its just going to be Tiger Woods Brand this and Tiger Woods brand that!! Shit, You’ve been holding me back this entire time anyway. Man, Fuck Nike Golf Shoes! Tiger Woods Golf Shoes, chhh Tiger Woods Gatorade Drink, Fuck Tiger Woods Razor Blades, Shit I don’t care about you Nike; Fuck I don’t care about Nobody Man!!!

Don't made me break out the big guns

Picture the Future Nike: It will just be a big football game, no hold on…a big tigerball game…. goin on at Tiger Woods Stadium… brought to you by Tiger Wood brand Razor Blades, and the players will be on the sideline in their Tiger Woods cleats drinkin Tiger Woods energy drink. And not One Motherfucker in the entire stadium will know what the fuck a Nike Is!!

So bro, this is your last chance, if you are serioulsy still thinkin what I think your thinking…… you better think again.

Much love,

Tiger

Invasion of the Hipsters

hip

Hipster Invasion

He walked down soco,
his hands in his pockets
his head turned under the cowboy hat to the wind,
he looked around
and recognized not a face

He went to places he used to go
but it was different
as they streamed by, staring vacantly behind blue blockers and beards, the girls wearing mexican peasant blouses and daisy dukes….

He stopped and looked in a vintage clothing shop
where once there had been a crackhouse
and thought
i used to smoke crack here
than two girls in frye boots walked by
a feathers shopping bag on their arm

Around a corner, finally a familiar face
bob, bob its me ryan
but it wasn’t bob
“whats that?” a man responded with a british accent
it was a stranger with beard and red short shorts
just like how bob used to dress
he stopped and wondered to himself,
where is bob today

Still the stream of hipsters walked by
he ducked in an alley for a quick hit off the schwag roach
trophys is still the same i bet
he ducked into a bar
trophys
at least trophys was still the same

Two miserable old drunks in their early 30s hunched over the bar
they used to be in bands, now they had nothing
but honky was playing trophys that night
the men in their early 30s hunched over the bar
not a woman in sight

Back in 2003
this place was rockin

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It?

I Kissed A Girl

A moment of clarity came over me recently during an episode of Southpark. It was the Butters’ Bottom Bitch episode this season where Butters is revealed to have never kissed a girl and relentlessly teased about it until he finds a girl on the playground selling kisses for $5. At this point, Cartman, Kyle and Stan proceed to verbally teach Butters how to kiss saying, “When the girl sticks out her tongue, you just kind of lick it, with yours”.

I had to laugh because I think this might actually be the method of accepted instruction for dudes! I thought it was just bad luck that I loved the idea of kissing, but when put into practice, men are often awkward about it. It’s like an amateur wrestling match of the tongues and far too laborious to warrant long passionate kissing sessions.

Then one night, at a bar I was kissed by a really hot chick, completely caught off guard at the time.  I had to analyze it in retrospect because it’s the affliction I’ve suffered with since childhood, analyzing everything to death.  I enjoyed the kiss! Does that mean I’m a lesbian?  What does that say about me psychologically?

Slamming a Beer

What I’ve settled on is this: women are better kissers.  Women are innately more sensuous creatures while men are far more tactical and utilitarian.   Men just want to get to the good part and stops along the way are mentally timed in your heads wondering things like, “How long do I have to kiss her neck until I can grab her boob?” and “If I stop kissing her does that free up or obligate her mouth for and to do other things?”.

For women, kissing is like eating ice cream – just a little at a time and enjoying the taste, texture temperature, moisture of the whole process. For men it’s like beer – slam it quick so we can get to the main course. I don’t have any answers, it’s all just observation but while I could never muster the strength to be a lesbian, (props to you guys for doing it but I could never munch any carpet) I did kiss a girl, and I liked it.

Better Livin’

This work entitled Better Livin' was done by Dani and Antonio. 10"x14" Oil on Canvas, Fall '09.

Considering I’m not much for introductions, my name is Antonio. I’m an Austin artist, like many others in this city. But that’s not bad, it’s quite nice, there are people here that actually kinda speak a language like my own.

I’m mostly a writer and painter, but I also sit alone in my room and make music no one hears but me, or what ever family member or friend happens to hear from the other side of the door, except for my niece, she’ll just walk in and start playing whatever instrument I have in my hands. She’s about to be two and she’s fearless, I hope I helped make her that way. Dani, my niece, is another Austin artist, she’s the one I was talking about, and she also likes to paint too. My sister doesn’t mind, she’s just a neat freak and doesn’t like her daughter to be covered in paint when she’s done painting, but that can’t be helped, color goes everywhere when you paint. Both Dani and I like to annoy my sister so Dani is damn near always covered in paint when she’s done.

In the future I will do my best to get to know other Austin artists and present them here to you. I’ve shown you my niece because she is closest to me. Dani is innocence creating and learning. I am grateful to be her uncle and teacher. It is a delicate process, shaping a mind, but it is also reciprocal. She’s teaching me to be kind. I’ve noticed many, (not all), artists can be cold and dismissive, I included. But maybe I’m growing a little. At least we have a good environment to grow in. This city is going up and getting larger. There’s more design to the skyline and the city’s capacity for learning is incredible. So much innovation takes place here. We need to find and share it.

5 Very Good Reasons to Retire Your Skinny Jeans

As seen at Hole in the Wall (Austin)

As seen at Hole in the Wall (Austin)

1. Have you any idea the pressure on women to be thinner than their man?  No need to shrink wrap yourselves and put us in an immediate disadvantage.

2. Skinny jeans induce a particular walk in a man which leads us to believe that if we were attacked in a dark alley, you’d be no help.

3. The skinny jeans do you absolutely no favors in the presentation of your, um, parts. I mean when the poor little dude is squished up like that, you’re likely being misrepresented.

4. Just because Billy Bob Thornton got to bang Angelina doesn’t mean you should replicate his fashion choices.

5. Give your legs enough room that we can assume they’re muscular under there. We’d like to hope you could hold our weight for, well, long enough anyway 🙂