Author Archive

Crazy About Shoes

It puzzles men everywhere, the seemingly universal affection women have for a new pair of shoes.  Unarguably a trip to the shoe department is the surest way to coax a fantastic mood out of a woman.  Yes I do already own 4 pairs of black stilettos but that in no way precludes the need for another.  So what is the fascination?

For one, there are so many unique and colorful choices.  Shoes have become an art form and a pretty shoe can make even the ugliest woman feel more thoroughly put together.  High heels force a posture that is tall and confident and calculated.  The incline in the heel which throws women slightly off balance requires an effort on their part to restore balance in the way of taking each step in a careful manner.  It forces the female hips to sway seductively in order to progress sufficiently.  If you gain five pounds from the ice cream you promised yourself you weren’t going to succumb to, your shoes still fit perfectly.  There’s an evil little boost of confidence women gain from slipping on her most outrageous pair of red sling backs because we know that other women notice shoes, and we know when we have on the most enviable pair in the room.

No doubt I’ve made little progress in convincing any men here that women are in fact sane and rational creatures.  We may not be sane, but there is rationale to every decision we make.  The inputs that go into our tastes and preferences are collected and considered, though completely overlooked by men.  Women are accused of being shallow and emotional creatures, but I submit to you that anger is an emotion.  Now let’s re-tally the who’s more emotional poll.   Women have figured out how to process emotion and the outward residual is sometimes tears, sometimes laughter and sometimes, it’s a shiny patten leather pair of Mary Jane’s.   Don’t judge us, we know what we’ve got going on in our heads and in the end, what’s the price of a pair of shoes when it means a happy woman.

What You Missed at the Red Eyed Fly Last Night

Noise from 913 at Red Eye Fly

Noise from 913 at Red Eyed Fly

When I agreed to take a trip to the Red Eyed Fly last night to check out my friend Keny’s band I honestly hoped for the best, but prepared myself for the worst.  I was shocked.  These guys are genuinely talented.

Calling themselves Noise from 913, a reference to the practice spot at the Metropolis Apartments in Austin where the band rehearses, band members Keny (front man), Wes (guitar), Conner (bass) and Daniel (drums) are soulful rockers with a fun edge.  They played a quick set of original songs which lead man Keny Smith delivered with raw conviction.  He engaged the small crowd in attendance and performed as if it were packed venue, complete with witty commentary between songs.

I can’t quite put my finger on their sound, but the performance felt very genuine.  The band still loves music and the members seem to have just enough corporate pain and struggle to capture the passion that draws the listener in and conveys a powerful message.  The show ended with a Hendrix cover of Are You Experienced, to which I’m sure Hendrix himself was blazin’ up a fatty and swaying to the beat.  Be sure to catch their next performance March 11th at the Red Eyed Fly.  You won’t be sorry.

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It?

I Kissed A Girl

A moment of clarity came over me recently during an episode of Southpark. It was the Butters’ Bottom Bitch episode this season where Butters is revealed to have never kissed a girl and relentlessly teased about it until he finds a girl on the playground selling kisses for $5. At this point, Cartman, Kyle and Stan proceed to verbally teach Butters how to kiss saying, “When the girl sticks out her tongue, you just kind of lick it, with yours”.

I had to laugh because I think this might actually be the method of accepted instruction for dudes! I thought it was just bad luck that I loved the idea of kissing, but when put into practice, men are often awkward about it. It’s like an amateur wrestling match of the tongues and far too laborious to warrant long passionate kissing sessions.

Then one night, at a bar I was kissed by a really hot chick, completely caught off guard at the time.  I had to analyze it in retrospect because it’s the affliction I’ve suffered with since childhood, analyzing everything to death.  I enjoyed the kiss! Does that mean I’m a lesbian?  What does that say about me psychologically?

Slamming a Beer

What I’ve settled on is this: women are better kissers.  Women are innately more sensuous creatures while men are far more tactical and utilitarian.   Men just want to get to the good part and stops along the way are mentally timed in your heads wondering things like, “How long do I have to kiss her neck until I can grab her boob?” and “If I stop kissing her does that free up or obligate her mouth for and to do other things?”.

For women, kissing is like eating ice cream – just a little at a time and enjoying the taste, texture temperature, moisture of the whole process. For men it’s like beer – slam it quick so we can get to the main course. I don’t have any answers, it’s all just observation but while I could never muster the strength to be a lesbian, (props to you guys for doing it but I could never munch any carpet) I did kiss a girl, and I liked it.

Spectating My Life

It simply has to be this way
Is something I once heard them say
That’s just the way it has to be
Another often said to me

Don’t ask me why, it’s what I said
Embedded deeply in my head
And do it cause I told you to
Is a familiar line from you

Reprimand is what will be
Should I show curiosity
I must obey and question not
While others dictate what I ought

Haven’t I the right to know
Or must I always blindly go
Am I in charge of all my acts
Or are my wheels confined to tracks

Since everyone knows better still
I’m taught to never trust my will
Oh what a life, it’s all planned out
And they, my input did without

5 Very Good Reasons to Retire Your Skinny Jeans

As seen at Hole in the Wall (Austin)

As seen at Hole in the Wall (Austin)

1. Have you any idea the pressure on women to be thinner than their man?  No need to shrink wrap yourselves and put us in an immediate disadvantage.

2. Skinny jeans induce a particular walk in a man which leads us to believe that if we were attacked in a dark alley, you’d be no help.

3. The skinny jeans do you absolutely no favors in the presentation of your, um, parts. I mean when the poor little dude is squished up like that, you’re likely being misrepresented.

4. Just because Billy Bob Thornton got to bang Angelina doesn’t mean you should replicate his fashion choices.

5. Give your legs enough room that we can assume they’re muscular under there. We’d like to hope you could hold our weight for, well, long enough anyway 🙂