Author Archive

When is the Apocalypse going to happen already?

apoco

Ready for the Apocalypse

Alright I got my 10 year supply of freeze dried food, I got my guns, I got ammo, I got night vision goggles, I got a shortwave radio, I’ve got a seed bank, I just finished the bunker, got the windmill and solar energy.  Alright I’m ready to go – lets get this apocalypse up and running already.

Seriously I just spent a shitload of money on this new water filtration system and if the world doesn’t end real fucking soon I’m going to look like a total jackass, so whenever your ready apocalypse… ’cause I got the feeling everyone is starting to laugh at me behind my back.

Hey if anybody needs me I’ll be in the bunker trying to figure out this bullet reloader, I mean this little number is going to be a goldmine in the post apocalyptic barter economy.

Shortwave Radio

Hey Honey!  When you get around to it can you give me a mohawk and spraypaint those shoulder pads I’ve been asking you about black, yeah I can’t put the metal studs on until you spraypaint them…thanks Love.

Whats that Love?   Why did I buy a used school bus… well where else am I going to store the barrels of gasoline?

Apocalyptic Gun Stash

Bobby, what are you doing down here?  Shouldn’t you be in the yard practicing with your boomerang?  Whats that, why do you have to learn boomerang?   Young man what are you gonna do if you get seperated from your food cache?   You can’t use a gun, every cannibal gang for 10 miles will hear it!  Well I don’t care if the Mortenson boys don’t have to use boomerangs!  I am your father this is my bunker and I make the rules in here!  Look!  Ned Mortenson is a fucking idiot and his family won’t last a week after the shit goes down!  Now any more lip out of you mister and theres going to be an extra session of bible study tonight.

Jeez, I tell you what, if this apocalypse doesn’t happen soon there’s going to be a mutiny in the old Anderson household.

Monsters of Folk Review 1-1/2 STARS

mof

Monsters of Folk

Let me start by saying I think all these guys suck. I mean I can’t stand to look at their smug prick faces, it just incites rage in me!  Hey everybody look at me I’m Conor Oberst!  I’m so fucking cool I’m a millionaire and selling out festivals and huge clubs and think I’m better than everyone cause I’m in PETA.

Look… I would like nothing better than to see the Monsters of Folk EAT SHIT AND DIE.   I mean seriously?  What the fuck do I care?

Fuck, how come all the magazines and clubs like these guys instead of my band?  C’MON!!

Let me also say I’ve never listened to this album, and I will never listen to it.  I don’t think I could, I think it would actually make me vomit… I really, really do… I mean I am seriously about to fucking lose it here!

Every time I read an article these fucking guys are talking about animal rights!  Seriously?! Fucking ANIMAL RIGHTS??!!  Seriously, like, fucking animal rights.  SERIOUSLY ANIMAL FUCKING RIGHTS?!?   SERIOUSLY!?!

If I were to listen to this album I already know I would hate it.  I mean, I KNOW I would hate it, I mean I just know it would totally suck and make me sick.

I mean these guys suck really, really, really, really bad and I totally hate their guts.

1.5 Stars

ONE AND ONE-HALF STARS.

Country Music is for White People

Where do things that never happened get sung by someone who never experienced them, to people who never experience anything?

ches

The answer to this riddle is: a Kenny Chesney concert.

The Chronicle’s review of my album is total bullshit

Can you believe this shit?

I mean really, can you believe this?

They had the nerve to write that about me?  About my band?!

They just couldn’t handle the fact that we’re really good and people like us, so they have to try to sabotage our shit!

I mean the reviewers at that paper are a bunch of failed musicians… so, just because their bands sucked and nobody liked their music back in the ’80s, now they get to get their big pens out and shove them up real artists’ asses?  To think I gave those swine the pearl of a year’s work.   I don’t even think they know what a real fucking band is anymore at the Austin Chronicle!  I don’t think they would know a real fuckin’ band if it punched ’em in their big fat mouths!  Those Pretentious Fucks!!!

And I don’t even think they fucking listened to it!

Look!  Shelley King got three stars!  You mean to tell me my album gets two stars and Shelley King gets THREE?!  YOU’VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!!!!!

Two fucking stars.  Two motherfucking stars!!  Thats what I get after all I’ve done for this town?  It just doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t add up…  I mean my band totally kicks ass… unless… hold on… I know whats going on here… I know exactly whats going on here!  This is all just one big FUCKING CONSPIRACY!  Thats what it fucking is!!  It’s crystal clear to me now!!!  This is one huge fucking conspiracy against me by the fucking Illuminati!!!

I’m just a Texan who was born in California

Texas Waffle

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think of Texas as a physical place that occupies a space in a certain time that no other object can occupy at the same time.  I think of Texas as a state of mind.

First let me just get this off my chest, I’m from California… and I love it here. I mean the live music, for one thing.  Seriously? …love it.

Another thing I really love about Texas is the pride all we Texans can have in it. From the lush swamplands of the east, to the desolate beauty of Big Bend Park, this state has it all. Where else do they make waffles in the shape of the state?  And I claim it all in the name of California.

I mean when my friends in California found out how cheap the property is out here, it was like over!  We just started buying it up…. seriously, like all of it!!

Look, I’ve lived here for nine years, don’t you tell me about Texas, I know Texas.

I moved to the Lonestar State in my mid-20s and theres just something about that old Red River hoss… that just gets in your blood.

God this state is so Awesome.

So on behalf of all Californians, thank you Texas, for your awesome state!

I Used to Be in a Band

i used to be in a band

I used to be in a band

Did I used to be in a band? Yeah, don’t worry about it, I get it all the time.  Sometimes its hard to beleive it really happened, kinda seems like a dream y’know, but we were pretty popular back then… good times for sure… oh yeah, we got the rockstar treatment for sure, thought we’d be rich and famous.  Huh?  What happened?  I don’t know, people just get older, move on, just decided it was time to get while the getting was good.

Hey, you wanted this on wheat right?

No way!  You were there that time our bass player threw up on stage at Antone’s?  Boy oh boy those were the days.   You said light on the Veganaise right?

Nowadays?  Not much.  Just working here, y’know my old lady is the manager…  Just kinda getting back to my roots…  You want chips and a drink with that?  No?  Alright then, that’ll be $6.49.

Hey you should really come check out my new band, it’s me and alot of the guys from our old band… Oh yeah if you like that old shit you’ll love it, Hole in the Wall on Monday.  Yeah seriously man if you come I’ll put you on the guest list…