Author Archive

Mommy, what was a man?

mom

Mommy, some of the girls at the academy said there used to be something called a man?

A man? What are they teaching at the academy nowadays?

Is it true, Mommy?

Well yes, it is true.

What happened to them?

Well dear, you see men were very mean to mommies. They never did things that mommies wanted to do, just things that men wanted to do.

What did men want to do?

Men just wanted to drink alcohol with their friends, and watch games.

What games?  Like volleyball and softball?

No games that used to be called football.  Violent, mean games.

Ewww.  I don’t like men.

Don’t be scared Penny, why there hasn’t been a man for 10,000 years.

What happened to all the men, Mommy?

We won’t talk about such things, now get back to your homework.

God I wish my parents had beat me.

mad

Parents need to start hitting their kids. Every time when I’m at the grocery store and I see some little Epsilon spawn stuffing Little Debbie snack cakes into his vacant face, I think, This is the future, this is the end of life as we know it.   As disturbing as the lower caste are, the Betas, Gammas, and Deltas who shop at Whole Foods are even more frightening.   Their descendants, who go to Montessori and Waldorf schools, a new generation of the New Age.  What will these offspring be like when they are 18, in 2025.  What will they think of us, the elderly?  Will we be provided for?  Will they have any respect for us?

Is the Apocalypse happening?  It’s happening right now, all around us.

What of celebrities’ kids?  What of the Alphas?  They are constantly followed by a horde of paparazzi, and around the age of two something amazing happens, they become conscience and they start posing.  How could they not, their just copying their parents, in their stepford lives.  They start pouting their lips, they start narrowing their eyes, they start trying to be cool.  Will any of these ever know anything real?  Or will they just live in their ivory towers and study evil.  The ivory towers of the science fiction past.  In 2009 we live in the future, the future is behind us.  the end times are a thing of the past.  The mouth breathing epsilon tosses the plastic wrapper to the grocery store floor and opens another..

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Crisis at Blockbuster

Let's rent a movie!

Dan Hegelman stood in the aisle, turning the DVD over in his clammy sweaty hands. “Look at that little stinker,” Hegelman thought to himself, and then his beady little eyes shot up suspiciously to check if anyone was looking at him. “Well look at little Miley Cyrus, all growned up,” the balding, overweight, almost 29-year-old thought as he read the title, “Hannah Montana: The Movie”.

“Hmmmm,” the 325 pounder pondered while he cleared his throat, adjusted his ball cap, pushed his glasses back nervously, and mouth-breathed.  He could have passed for 42.

Turning the DVD over he read the back.  “Gosh she’s cute,” the unemployed community college drop out thought aloud. Dan wrinkled his nose.  “How long have I been wearing these sweatpants?” Dan thought, sniffing.  “At least a week, mmmm, when was the last time I bathed?…hmmmm…hmmmmm, I don’t know…”

Dan put the DVD back and continued walking around.  Just glancing through movies, not with anything particular in mind, he spied it…and with a surprised grunt the large man snatched up the latest High School Musical, the last one on the aisle, he couldn’t believe his luck.

“Sweet!” Dan thought as he made his way to the register.  “Someone must have just returned it.”
Grabbing some Milkduds on his way out he stopped at the Hannah Montana cut out.  Something in her eyes suggested something that made him think twice, but his mom had only given him 5 bucks.  He hurried to the register and checked out.
On the drive back, in his grandpa’s ’91 Mustang, Dan thought how he would have the apartment all to himself.
Life was good for Dan Hegelman.

Inside the Monsters of Folk

mof
Connor, for the last time, I’m not trading with you, I get to be George and thats final.

Look we all agreed we were gonna pull names out of Mogis’s military hat and that was who we were gonna get to be. Everyone’s been real cool about it, and we even agreed to one round of trading cause you threw a huge shitfit, but this is getting ridiculous.

I know you don’t want to be Bob, everyone knows you don’t want to be Bob, cause you’ve been freaking out about it for hours. I know its soooo obvious that your Bob, but an hour ago you were bitching about having to be Jeff Lynne, so we let you trade with Mogis, but if now your insisting on being George, i’m just gonna let you know there is no way I am trading with you, cause I love George and I really think of all of us, I’m the most like him.

Look.  Jim picked Roy, and that’s awesome cause Jim just nails Roy.  Then Mogis picked Bob, then I picked George, and you freaked out.  Then you wouldn’t pick so we picked for you and now your saying its not fair cause you didn’t get to pick….I mean, c’mon man!

Look. We wouldn’t of had to pick out of the hat in the first place if you didn’t freak out about everyone agreeing that I get to be George, and you have to be Bob.  Alright.  For the millionth time, I know it’s Totally Obvious that you would get to be Bob, but who cares if it’s obvious? I mean nobody cares except you!

I’m done talkin about this! We’ve been over this a billion times already and its final, your Bob, I’m George, Jim is Roy and Mogis is Jeff Lynne!  Look Connor, if you want, you can be Tom Petty, whatever, just run it by the other guys, but there’s just no way were doing a redraw.

Cowboys Fantasy Football

Hello world!

Nashville 2000

Beware its siren beauty

Gary, Jay and Joe Don sat in their Nashville apartment trying to figure out how to get the next months rent.  They had pooled all their money and were still 200 short.  Gary looked at Jay, who looked at Joe Don, who looked at his shoes.
“Well, we could…” Gary started, but was quickly glared at by Jay and Joe Don.
“Well, I guess we decided we’re not doing that, man, so forget about it…” Joe Don cooly drawled.

Still, they all sat there, knowing exactly what the others were thinking.
“It’s just that,” Gary started to a vicious glare from Jay, “you know what the Nashville executive said and….”
“Shut Up Gary!! That’s crazy talk, we’re not doing that!!!” Jay screamed.  His neck was taut, bolstered with adrenaline.

The intensity in the room was at fever pitch, an awkward silence permeated.
“Well, y’know it’s this or get jobs….”
“Get Jobs? Are you crazy Gary? We didn’t move to Nashville to wait tables??? We moved here to start a band!!!”
“Yeah, Jay, and the only way we’re going to make that kind of money is by…”
“By what Gary, why don’t you just say it? By What??”
“By doing what the record executive said we’d have to….”
“But if the record executive meant that…. then…..”
Silence.

“I think we should do it,”Joe Don whispered.  Jay immediately turned on him.
“Are you all going crazy!!! I mean, am I losing my mind or are you guys really….” Jay’s voice trailed off as he saw his answer in Gary and Joe Dons eyes.

“This is Nuts,” Jay intoned, “I mean this is Crazy Talk. Do you hear yourself?! Gary?!? Joe Don?!? I mean, what would the guys at home say…”
“The guys at home are working at gas stations Jay, that’s why we moved to Nashville!” Gary countered.
“He doesn’t even want to do it with all of us,” Jay screamed in a panic,” he just wants to do it with Joe Don anyway, why can’t he just do it with Joe Don ?!? I mean why can’t me and Gary just watch?!?”

“Look Jay, calm down buddy..” Joe Don said placing a reassuring hand on Jay’s knee, ” we want you to be a part of this, we really do…but me and Gary talked about it earlier, and were going to do this with or without you,” Joe Don coyly drawled slowly removing his hand.
“And besides, Jay,” Gary continued, “it will probably only last a couple of minutes anyway, and who knows, maybe you’ll end up liking it…and than its over…no big deal, y’know?”
Suddenly Jay jumped from his seat, “I’ll do it!”
“Yes!!!” the three jumped in the air in euphoria.  The three triumphantly group hugged.  Right at the moment the phone rang.

Ring
The three stared at each other.
Ring
Utter silence.
Ring
Joe Don hesitantly answers,
“Rascall Flats Band”
“Be at my office at the stroke of midnight….(click).”
Joe Don turned and looked at Jay and Gary, the phone slowly fell from his hand…

Justin doesn't mind

I’m gonna get all the chicks, just like Hank Moody

hank

Yeah, that's it

Man, Hank Moody is so fucking sweet, I mean he is just the ultimate badass. I didn’t think any dude could ever be that smooth and get that much tail…but hey shows what I know. Seriously he gets all the chicks all the time, and the whole time he just does whatever he wants, and doesn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks. I guess that’s just the way the real world is, I mean nice guys finish last, right?

…but thats not really true either cause underneath it all Hank really is a nice guy, and that’s the shit the chicks dig, is hes a total fuckin badass, but he respects women too, just like how I’m gonna be.  Sardonic attitude? check! Bad Boy image with a romantic streak? double check….Hey, just giving the chicks what they want, right?

No, wait, THIS is it

Been nice knowing you beard, later long hair, later plaid pearlsnaps, later Jetta. Hello black suits, hello duderings, hello typewriter, hello vintage sportscar, hello intellectual macho attitude. When I walk in a bar now and see my buddy im gonna yell out “whats up my nigga?”, not in a biggoted way, but in a Hank way, I mean people will be able to tell the difference right? I mean i’m gonna look just like Hank Moody, so its not like anybody will think i’m a racist asshole, right? I mean the most important thing is to let the chicks know I don’t give a fuck, right?

Bottom line, its all about nailin that fuckin badass Hank Moody ‘tude. Lets face it, thats what chicks really want. They don’t want some dude that’s a square and has a job…..chhh boring!!! They want a dude who drives drunk all the time, smokes pot in front of his kids, doesn’t give a fuck about anything.

Just a dude who doesn’t shower and smells like pussy ’cause he’s banging all the time…just like how im gonna be!

Yo Nike, its Tiger…we need to talk

Watch where you're aiming that thing!

Look I’ve been hearing alot of shit lately about you, talkin shit about me, and I’m just here to say whats up, and if you got some beef with me why don’t we just settle this shit once and for all…

Look we’ve had our differences in the past but I don’t know, all this talk about you dropping on me, its just been fuckin with my head.

Look bro, what I’m sayin is, I’m about to declare war on your ass…and those bombs are about to start droppin…..can you hear em, those big old atom bombs droppin on yo ass? Well I can……

Look at my sad face

Chhh remember when we were kids man, when you were my sponsor…man that was so great, we were like best friends but…. oh hold on, thats too bad cause it never happened bro….yeah you heard me bro it never fuckin happened!! Yeah it never happened because you fucked it up…

Look, all I got to do is pick up this phone, one phone call from me and there’s gonna be people workin 24-7 erasing every memory of yo ass from the face of the earff. And soon its going to be out of my hands, shit soon there ain’t even going to be people anymore, its just gonna be like in the Matrix.

And all over some bitch bro, seriously, your gonna escalate this shit over some bitch bro? Not cool!!

Look Nike, just know if you do this, theres no goin back, you and me, we don’t exist anymore, there ain’t room for it….it is World War III for you if you do this to me…. And when its over dawg, its gonna be beautiful…we’re gonna go back and change all the logos on all my hats to my new brand, like every picture of me with a nike logo will be destroyed and anybody caught with one will be treated as a terrorirst.

Yeah motherfuckin Nike, how you like those existed than erased from history apples??!?
Its just going to be Tiger Woods Brand this and Tiger Woods brand that!! Shit, You’ve been holding me back this entire time anyway. Man, Fuck Nike Golf Shoes! Tiger Woods Golf Shoes, chhh Tiger Woods Gatorade Drink, Fuck Tiger Woods Razor Blades, Shit I don’t care about you Nike; Fuck I don’t care about Nobody Man!!!

Don't made me break out the big guns

Picture the Future Nike: It will just be a big football game, no hold on…a big tigerball game…. goin on at Tiger Woods Stadium… brought to you by Tiger Wood brand Razor Blades, and the players will be on the sideline in their Tiger Woods cleats drinkin Tiger Woods energy drink. And not One Motherfucker in the entire stadium will know what the fuck a Nike Is!!

So bro, this is your last chance, if you are serioulsy still thinkin what I think your thinking…… you better think again.

Much love,

Tiger

Invasion of the Hipsters

hip

Hipster Invasion

He walked down soco,
his hands in his pockets
his head turned under the cowboy hat to the wind,
he looked around
and recognized not a face

He went to places he used to go
but it was different
as they streamed by, staring vacantly behind blue blockers and beards, the girls wearing mexican peasant blouses and daisy dukes….

He stopped and looked in a vintage clothing shop
where once there had been a crackhouse
and thought
i used to smoke crack here
than two girls in frye boots walked by
a feathers shopping bag on their arm

Around a corner, finally a familiar face
bob, bob its me ryan
but it wasn’t bob
“whats that?” a man responded with a british accent
it was a stranger with beard and red short shorts
just like how bob used to dress
he stopped and wondered to himself,
where is bob today

Still the stream of hipsters walked by
he ducked in an alley for a quick hit off the schwag roach
trophys is still the same i bet
he ducked into a bar
trophys
at least trophys was still the same

Two miserable old drunks in their early 30s hunched over the bar
they used to be in bands, now they had nothing
but honky was playing trophys that night
the men in their early 30s hunched over the bar
not a woman in sight

Back in 2003
this place was rockin

Get Out Old Dan’s Records

Old Dan

Old Dan?

Yeah, he’s got all those great old records in the attic.

Oh Yeah there they are, wow… look at all these, lets go put ’em on.  Elvis, The Rolling Stones, Beatles, these are some great classic records.

Wow, Peter Paul and Mary, let’s put this one on!

I don’t know it looks kinda scratched up… half of these aren’t even in sleeves.  Look this one’s eaten up by rats.

Well Old Dan never did take good care of his records, and he was always drunk when he listened to them.

Oh man was he ever… good times…

Yeah, good times, that Old Dan, he was a real character…

Man heres another… too bad, it would have been worth alot of money…

Let me take a look.  Oh yeah this one’s scratched pretty bad, hold on a second, this isn’t Old Dan’s, this is my record.

Old Dan's Records

Are you sure?

Yeah I remember I loaned this to Old Dan years ago and forgot about it, man I loved this record, I thought I lost it, and Old Dan said he’d returned it to me, jeez!

Oh well, that’s Old Dan…

No way man, this is bullshit, I always took such good care of my records, I think it’s because of Old Dan I stopped loaning out my records in the first place.

Yeah you always were pretty weird about loaning out records.

No fucking way, here’s another one of my records,  I never even loaned him this one, he must have just stolen it form me, what the fuck?

Are you sure?

Yeah, look theres my name on the jacket, I mean come to think of it I never really did know Old Dan very well, everybody always talked about how great he was but nobody really went to his funeral…

Hey don’t talk about the dead like that.

Oh man I can’t believe this, heres another one!!  For fuck’s sake are half these records mine!?  Man, fuck that old drunk!   Lets just get out of here, I didn’t want to listen to Old Dan’s shitty records anyway.

Old Dan's Coffin