Archive for March, 2010

Mommy, what was a man?

mom

Mommy, some of the girls at the academy said there used to be something called a man?

A man? What are they teaching at the academy nowadays?

Is it true, Mommy?

Well yes, it is true.

What happened to them?

Well dear, you see men were very mean to mommies. They never did things that mommies wanted to do, just things that men wanted to do.

What did men want to do?

Men just wanted to drink alcohol with their friends, and watch games.

What games?  Like volleyball and softball?

No games that used to be called football.  Violent, mean games.

Ewww.  I don’t like men.

Don’t be scared Penny, why there hasn’t been a man for 10,000 years.

What happened to all the men, Mommy?

We won’t talk about such things, now get back to your homework.

God I wish my parents had beat me.

mad

Parents need to start hitting their kids. Every time when I’m at the grocery store and I see some little Epsilon spawn stuffing Little Debbie snack cakes into his vacant face, I think, This is the future, this is the end of life as we know it.   As disturbing as the lower caste are, the Betas, Gammas, and Deltas who shop at Whole Foods are even more frightening.   Their descendants, who go to Montessori and Waldorf schools, a new generation of the New Age.  What will these offspring be like when they are 18, in 2025.  What will they think of us, the elderly?  Will we be provided for?  Will they have any respect for us?

Is the Apocalypse happening?  It’s happening right now, all around us.

What of celebrities’ kids?  What of the Alphas?  They are constantly followed by a horde of paparazzi, and around the age of two something amazing happens, they become conscience and they start posing.  How could they not, their just copying their parents, in their stepford lives.  They start pouting their lips, they start narrowing their eyes, they start trying to be cool.  Will any of these ever know anything real?  Or will they just live in their ivory towers and study evil.  The ivory towers of the science fiction past.  In 2009 we live in the future, the future is behind us.  the end times are a thing of the past.  The mouth breathing epsilon tosses the plastic wrapper to the grocery store floor and opens another..

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Crisis at Blockbuster

Let's rent a movie!

Dan Hegelman stood in the aisle, turning the DVD over in his clammy sweaty hands. “Look at that little stinker,” Hegelman thought to himself, and then his beady little eyes shot up suspiciously to check if anyone was looking at him. “Well look at little Miley Cyrus, all growned up,” the balding, overweight, almost 29-year-old thought as he read the title, “Hannah Montana: The Movie”.

“Hmmmm,” the 325 pounder pondered while he cleared his throat, adjusted his ball cap, pushed his glasses back nervously, and mouth-breathed.  He could have passed for 42.

Turning the DVD over he read the back.  “Gosh she’s cute,” the unemployed community college drop out thought aloud. Dan wrinkled his nose.  “How long have I been wearing these sweatpants?” Dan thought, sniffing.  “At least a week, mmmm, when was the last time I bathed?…hmmmm…hmmmmm, I don’t know…”

Dan put the DVD back and continued walking around.  Just glancing through movies, not with anything particular in mind, he spied it…and with a surprised grunt the large man snatched up the latest High School Musical, the last one on the aisle, he couldn’t believe his luck.

“Sweet!” Dan thought as he made his way to the register.  “Someone must have just returned it.”
Grabbing some Milkduds on his way out he stopped at the Hannah Montana cut out.  Something in her eyes suggested something that made him think twice, but his mom had only given him 5 bucks.  He hurried to the register and checked out.
On the drive back, in his grandpa’s ’91 Mustang, Dan thought how he would have the apartment all to himself.
Life was good for Dan Hegelman.

Inside the Monsters of Folk

mof
Connor, for the last time, I’m not trading with you, I get to be George and thats final.

Look we all agreed we were gonna pull names out of Mogis’s military hat and that was who we were gonna get to be. Everyone’s been real cool about it, and we even agreed to one round of trading cause you threw a huge shitfit, but this is getting ridiculous.

I know you don’t want to be Bob, everyone knows you don’t want to be Bob, cause you’ve been freaking out about it for hours. I know its soooo obvious that your Bob, but an hour ago you were bitching about having to be Jeff Lynne, so we let you trade with Mogis, but if now your insisting on being George, i’m just gonna let you know there is no way I am trading with you, cause I love George and I really think of all of us, I’m the most like him.

Look.  Jim picked Roy, and that’s awesome cause Jim just nails Roy.  Then Mogis picked Bob, then I picked George, and you freaked out.  Then you wouldn’t pick so we picked for you and now your saying its not fair cause you didn’t get to pick….I mean, c’mon man!

Look. We wouldn’t of had to pick out of the hat in the first place if you didn’t freak out about everyone agreeing that I get to be George, and you have to be Bob.  Alright.  For the millionth time, I know it’s Totally Obvious that you would get to be Bob, but who cares if it’s obvious? I mean nobody cares except you!

I’m done talkin about this! We’ve been over this a billion times already and its final, your Bob, I’m George, Jim is Roy and Mogis is Jeff Lynne!  Look Connor, if you want, you can be Tom Petty, whatever, just run it by the other guys, but there’s just no way were doing a redraw.

Cowboys Fantasy Football

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